Wait is hopeless

I've been falling sick very easily lately. I used to be pretty strong but I once wished to fall sick once in awhile so that I can probably get some attention from somebody. It's a dumb wish, I never did get what I wanted except for feeling like shit.
For years I've been waiting for someone to rescue me from this shitty feeling I keep having, then I realised it was myself who blocked everyone away. Then I wished someone strong enough could break down this wall I built myself, and bring me out of it. I don't know if anyone's strong enough, but definitely they wouldn't bother.
One day when I grow stronger again, I'll break this self-built wall down myself and fly away to freedom.

Officially an Adult

OH SHIT I'm 21!
My party went pretty well, but not as perfect as what I wished for. Hahaha, I know we can't be greedy, and anyway it's over already. I'm pretty upset that I have to accept the fact that I am no longer young! :(

I'm too much of a perfectionist, so I'm always not satisfied with many things. & I have to admit, that makes life a little more sour than it should be.

I was freaking nervous at the start because my guests reached the party EARLIER than me!!! Ok that's damn bad. So the late host, ended up forgetting many things and just rushed with the makeup and everything. Sigh... My party got no music, my speech sucks, ice pop was left in the freezer forgotten, and obviously my diet plan failed since I came out so round and chubby in the photos.
Okay actually its not that bad. I enjoyed it actually, just sad that I'm old now so I'm finding something to rant about. HAHAHA.

I'm so thankful I have my family and friends' help throughout, really!!! I can't do it alone at all. So thank you for everything. Please don't be offended by my comments above. Its my own problem hahaha. I'm glad my friends enjoyed the party. There was a pool right in front of my chalet, I brought swim suit, but I didn't swim at all. Sad. It was super tempting though, but I just did my hair treatment so I kept asking myself if I should just heck care, and I didn't. Since none of my friends are going to swim with me anyway.

At 11:59pm we start our mini-countdown. & then it was my birthday! I was almost thrown into the pool, but we negotiated. So I was told to finish a can of beer in a minute, and if I fail I'll end up in the pool. Pro enough, I finished it in 45secs. Which normally, a can of beer can take me hours to finish actually. Well it got me high for a few minutes, my face was like a tomato (just a bit of alcohol makes my whole body red). So if you see the photos of me unwrapping the presents, I look pretty shag there, Please forgive me. Hahaha...

What's a loveless relationship for?

I still don't get it. Can we really just be in a relationship with someone we "don't hate" just because the person love us? Isn't that unfair to the other party? Because I was told that life is easier to be the one who love less. That's true, but still how can one hug/kiss or whatever, with someone whom they do not love? That's torture to me. Perhaps you want to tell me love can grow when you're in the relationship, but if there's no love from the beginning how is it going to grow? I would rather let love grow in friendship, only until it grew out of friendship zone then I am able to accept a relationship. Yes I'm stubborn like that, but I don't like to face breakups. If you knew that it is not going to work out, what for waste the time and effort? If you knew the relationship is not going to last, are you still going to step into it and wait for it to break eventually?

I can't accept that at all.
Because if you ask me to be with someone I don't love, that is hell.
I will end up moody every single day.
There is no point, because life is meaningless that way. I meant trying to please someone whom I can't quite be bothered with, that's taking my soul away.

An update of my birthday planning.

I've gotten many help from my friends like the cake, chalet, this and that.

Also thanks to Joelle I don't have to buy so much utensils and also the birthday banner.

I actually did one myself too, which took my whole night to cut out every single letter. Chose the Curlz font and I almost died cutting them out! But all was worth when I saw the outcome. Its damn pretty hehehe :D

Now I'm getting pretty nervous about this. I've been worrying if there'll be too much or too little food, or whether I had forgotten anything, or if I have invited too many guests that I can't entertain all of them and also if my party won't be as what I expect it to be. But I'm looking forward to it, can't wait :)

This birthday planning is fun yet stressful, and also cost me a bomb. Lol..

All I hope is that all my friends and family will enjoy themselves at the party, and that my birthday wish will come true!!

I'm still not ready to turn 21 yet though!!! Hopefully this adulthood that's waiting for me won't be too rocky or tough.

Signing off~

Excited-21yr-o-to-be.